someone threw a dead crab at me
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
