Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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