She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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