I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
