I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
