Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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