Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
