Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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