I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
