is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
So here I am, sexting at work.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
