i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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