We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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