In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
