yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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