I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
