paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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