I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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