Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
