why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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