Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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