absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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