so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
