i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
