I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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