New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
should my penis look like a turkey
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize