Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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