if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
