Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
