What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
