Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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