Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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