my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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