When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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