What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
