Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
