I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
