I accidentally had phone sex last night
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
