Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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