Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
