The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
