I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
