i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize