your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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