so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
