I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
