New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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