ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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