omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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