So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
