Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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