i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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