My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
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