ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
