Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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