and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
