I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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