1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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