i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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