And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
