I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
