so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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